Elephant Skeleton Key: The Stories

[Mud]

There once was a small boy from Bethlehem who was completely insane and morbidly obese. He was only three feet tall and smelled like fish'n'chips. His head, shaped like a potato quite often smelled of rancid cheese and roastbeef. He liked to play Dungeons & Dragons with lego and J.I.Joe limbs instead of dice.

His mother would call him "delusional" but he knew he was "John". His father would beat him but he knew who really won. His teacher would learn how to smell banana creme pie in a dead rat. His condoms would break, his time would scream.

He fell in to an elephant before going to sleep and his cactus wouldn't shut up. He slaughtered the cactus inside the elephant with a monkey named Joe. The monkey would make bones in to keys and John would defecate in the front of the elephant while fornicating with pride for the seagulls.

The great King Xation killed everyone John ever knew. And burned down every plastic foam box he lived in. The recromaggots wilve behind Xation's ears with vast pride. Their psychic ability has been found to be much higher than that of the average human. That is why they live by the ears.

I am not going to remember one word of this. I call it "Misanthrope Elephant Maggot Mind" and now I'm going to sleep.

[Mud]

pig shit.

[Mud]

A big girl named Suezie Three would always climb the apple tree in my backyard.
She didn't often fall, but when she did, she sure fell hard. She'd climb up to the top
and scream ONE! TWO! THREE! all the while, looking at me. She would do this,
only when I could see.

Like my city rooster, to wake me in the morn
but she was far uglier, from the moment she was born.
Roosters are not pretty, they don't even look nice.
But this girl was grotesque and covered with giant lice.
She'd sing outside my window, and dry hump my old dog
She'd leap out into traffic, and squeel like an old wart hog.
She didn't like to bother me, she didn't like to care
She never even liked me, she's just always been there.
One day she brought a goose to my door, she sniffed it's arse and picked it too
She left the fecal matter staining my nice floor, with a giant smile she said "this is for you"

I didn't know quite what to think, or quite what to say
so I just said "thank you suezie three, have a nice day"
She blushed and cried and pooped a little
then she ran away.






...haha

[Mud]

One cold winter night, Timothy Rockskin found himself trapped in a box. From what he could hear, he assumed he was on the side of the highway. Transports would fly by, scaring him "half to death" a couple times each hour. He never wore a watch so he had no idea what time it was, or even what day. He had not eaten for many hours before he woke up in the box. Growing tired and weak, all he could do was search his mind for some sort of plan. After pissing in his pants and getting very angry, he went to sleep.

He awoke abruptly to the box door swinging open. A tall lanky, funny looking man towered over him. "Everything alright in there?" he asked. "Fuck no, you son of a pig fucker!" Tim replied. The man shook his head and walked away. Tim stood up, he found himself in what appeared to be a giant warehouse. Completely empty, except for a huge giant box of whale crackers. The funny looking man was no where to be seen.

Tim got out of the box and walked around, looking for something.. anything. There was nothing to be found except a pile of dirt, a similar box to the one he was trapped in and a bottle of diet cola. There was only one exit, a big door for shipments with a huge lock holding it shut. The tall man who had let him out was no where to be seen. In the far distance in a dark corner he noticed a staircase. Half way to the stairs he heard banging, coming from the other box.

He ran to it, opened it up and found a small mexican lady inside. She screamed and maced him. Then pulled a wrench our from under her and clobbered him with it. He tried to say "Stop!" but his jaw had been smashed into three pieces. She climbed out of the box and ran to the stairs. Tim was conscious but could not move a single muscle, "Fuck!!!" he thought.

The woman reached the top of the stairs to find the tall man drinking tea and watching the news with his eyes closed. He turned towards her, eyes still closed and said "Welcome Maria, welcome to the ant farm". She threw her wrench directly into his face, knocking him to the ground. As he struggled to get up she came from behind and kicked his crotch as hard as she could. Her steal toe boots really knocked his junk out of order. The man squealed and growled like nothing she had heard before.

She took a seat where he was sitting, turned off the television and drank his chamomile tea. She sat an enjoyed the tall man's voice. Upon finishing her tea, she retrieved her wrench and headed back downstairs. She smashed the lock open, with her mexican strength and opened the door. She ran outside to find a parking lot full of cars that appeared to be new and american. Knowing how to hot-wire, she took the best looking car she could find.

Tim woke up when she broke the lock, but remained silent. When he saw her drive away he crawled to the exit. The first car he tried already had the keys in the ignition. In the glovebox he found about an ounce of cocaine, a colt45 and eighteen blue pills. He had no idea what the pills were, but he swallowed 2. Having a broken face and jaw made it hard, they kind of just sat in his mouth tasting like shit. He put the gun on the passenger seat, covered it with his hat and started the car.

He had no idea where he was but he knew he had to leave. The only way out was a narrow, rocky old road. He put the gun back in the glovebox after a bump sent it flying accross the car. While stopped, he figured he should sniff back a few heavy lines. To his surprise it wasn't cocaine, it was 2-CB. When his sanity returned, the car was no longer running. It had run out of gas, miles from the warehouse. After screaming and punching the car like a maniac, he put the 2-CB and the gun in his pocket and began walking.

Still hungry, tired and now in extreme pain.. He realized it was getting late, it would be dark soon and he still had no idea where he was or where he was going. There had been no traffic at all, and he would fear any traffic that did approach. He decided to head in to the woods and make shelter.

After making a shelter from sticks and moss, he went to search for food and/or water. He found a patch of blue berries not from where he had set up shelter, far better than nothing; he sat and ate every blueberry in the patch. He was far enough from the road he figured he could make a fire and have it go unnoticed by any enemies driving by. While gathering firewood he found a natural spring running down a rock-face. Not enough water to drink, but enough to collect. He had no container except the jar the 2-CB was in. He emptied the 2-CB into his pocket and placed it at the bottom of the rock. He left his shoelace to soak up water and drip it into the jar. This would take hours to fill the small jar, but it was the best he could do.

He returned to his shelter and placed the 2-CB on a large leaf. He built a small fire, sniffed a small line of 2-CB and went to sleep. He woke up as the sun was rising, the forest was completely silent.

To be continued...

[Mud]

Holy fuck! I wrote a lot more than I thought.

[Mud]

One there was a gigantic monkey named Bert. He was a government test monkey until he was 32. Now he works at Kick In The Teeth Records as a janitor. When he's not shooting up tranquilizers in the basement or working, he sneaks around in the sewers playing TMNTurtles with his pet rock Raph. They also climb trees and yell at birds. Raph likes to sit in old tires with dirty water in them when he's not with Bert.

One day Raph said they should go drop acid on a plane. So while Bert was cleaning the manager's office that day, he found a flight schedule;
Flight Aircraft Departure Arrival Travel Time Stops
AC 2832 ZX80000 6:35 08:25 1 hr 50 mn 0 4

Grits Charles was flying to Toronto next week to play a christmas show on acid with turkeys on crucifixes. This was the perfect chance to take a plane on acid and to eat turkeys for breakfast. All they had to do was sneak on to the plane and get Grits to be cool with it once they land....

Grits Charles is an idiot grunge-pop guy from the UK, he smells like metal and he looks like shit. He can't really play guitar and he can't sing worth a shit. People don;'t tell him he sucks and that he's is a novelty retard. If they do, he laughs in their face close enough that they can smell his horrible swamp breath. His song "Son of A Sailor" got him on the label and now they just send him to stupid events. Grits gets drugs and food, the label breaks even and gets publicity.. good and/or bad.

Bert and Raph decided to sneak on the plane early, and find somewhere to hide. The day of the flight, after his shift, they ate some mushrooms and climbed a tree. Waiting for no one to be around, they sat and talked about politics and space for about an hour until they noticed no one was around. On the climb down, Raph asked "Could my name be Raplh? It's much cooler." Bert ignored him and took a shot of tequila from his flask, he lit a cigarette and dropped out of the tree.

To be continued......

[Mud]

Billy: Can you spare some change?
Jyn: Yes I'm bored anyway.

I look to the left of me and I look to the right.
I turn her way, I reply, I say;
just thought you might.

She says; So what kind of change? You lead the way.........

I grow tired as I stand up,
I lean on the wall.
I feel slow and I feel so low,
when I am this tall.

Billy: How about eating breakfast?
Jyn: How about we share a horse.
Yes breakfast is a good start.
Good ol' grease to warm the heart.

I draw a face on the wall
with a little top hat.
Jyn draws a monkey
and we're off to get fat.

[Mud]

The Kids Of Ernie Tennis Lake

We grew up in a small town called Ernie. It was rough growing up with a bunch of slimeballs around. I learnt to fist fight before grade one. Drug dealerss would sit in the bushes by school and try to sell drugs to little kids. They'd try to take our lunch money if we didn't spend it on drugs. We learnt to throw down good.

So when I moved to Octoberville at age 15, no one saw me comin'. Kids at school would pick on me because I was black. They'd call me nerd, and try to slap my genitals with rulers. In return I would knock their teeth down their throats, collapse their lungs and break their limbs. Needless to say after several incidents they tried to take action as a group.

One night about 11pm, about twelve guys come up to me. Most of them jocks, appear to be highschool kids. Brothers of those who I had smashed down, no doubt. I hear "You're gonna die, kid." and "What now, bitch?" come from the middle of the crew. Before another one can open their mouth I leap in to the crowd, foot first.

Kick one in the neck, he drops quickly.
Poke one in the eyeball and rip off his ear.
Punch the next guy in the balls and knock his jaw loose.
within 10 moves I've smashed my way to the guys who spoke first and knocked them down.
I say "What now, bitch?" and stare them all down.

"...And that is the last thing I remember, officer."
After explaining my story to the police I ask them to remove the handcuffs, holding me to the Octoberville Hospital bed that I just soaked with piss. They do not have "any intent of doing such a thing", they so politely inform me before breaking my finger as they leave.

I can't feel my legs and it feels like my eye is bleeding again.
I push the button for assistance but no one comes.
None of the equipment in this room looks like it even works and I can't reach my food tray.
There's a bowl of KraptDinner on the floor but it looks like it's been there a while, I couldn't reach it if I wanted it.
I'm going insane, the thoughts wont stop. There's a tree banging on the wall, it's branches are slapping the window. You know, like in one of those movies, where the kid thinks it's a monster; just like that.

I remember thinking I was awake once. It was fun.

blah blah blah blah, I'm, bored. this was a waste. of time.

[Mud]

One day Johnny Apeshit was walking to school when he was hit by an asteroid. He woke up 80 days later to find his whole family had been savagely eaten by wild boars. The police told him it was natural causes and that he was not to leave town. He scored some pot down the street and went home, heated up some PizzzaPops and went to bed. In the morning he got really baked and fucked a peice of ham (heated for 45 seconds). He didn't clean up the house or mow the lawn, he went to the mall and bought a new hat, some cheese and an Apocalypse Walrus CD.

When he grew angry with the mall he headed over to his friend Fred's house to listen to the CD and get baked. Fred was shooting up bacon grease and snorting crushed chilies when Johnny arrived. "Care to get friend and listen to the new Apocalypse Walrus album, Sir?" he asked. "Why yes I do Mr. Apeshit, yes I do." Fred replied smugly.

When the CD finished they began to hit each other and fight over the left over bacon. Fred knocked out Johnny with a rollingpin and wiped swas on his mouth. He cleaned up the mess listening to a Mental Shitfuck EP he picked up at a yardsale. His television was always off with the volume off. He'd watch static and listen to music with the volume cracked so high that he actually had to modify the dial on his amp to make it play %40 louder than it was intended to.

The loud music woke up Johnny, he stumbled to the kitchen to find a knife. He lit up the roach and started yelling "De ja Vu!!" over and over. He found a knife and a pack of frozen beans for his head. He stumbled around for an hour looking for Fred with no luck. All of a sudden he felt a little tickle up his leg, the tickle quickly turned into a horrible burning sensation. He ripped off his pants to reveal 1000's of fire ants franticly biting away at his flesh.

Fred came back with Joe the monkey and his friend. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH MY ANTS!!?" he yelled as the monkey started to eat them all off of Johnny's leg. Johnny yelled "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS FUCKING MONKEY FUCKING DOING ALL UP IN MY FUCKING SHIT!?!" as he scrambled to get to his feet and run to the bathroom where he would lock himself in and cry in the shower. Fred lit up a joint, sat by the bathroom door and laughed. This laughter made him cough too much so he gave the joint to Joe. Joe made a pot of tea and kicked down the bathroom door. Yelled some shit in monkey talk that translated to "Toughen up bitch, be hard as fuck!".

Johnny took his head out of the toilet and stood up.

[Mud]

I don't remember typing this...

[Mud]

One day I went back in time to kill myself but when I found myself I was already killing myself and I killed myself who was killing me, then my original self killed my current self for killing me.



When the original self killed the current self, it left the original self alive in the future. It goes back in time to stop the event, not knowing what will happen because it hasn't happened to him because he didn't do it.